Self Destructive
by Kyrene once Blood Roses
Summary: Sometimes I think you do it on purpose. Like you beat me up just so you can fix me up right after. [Riku.Sora]


A/N: In all honesty I kinda ripped this off from another one of my fics. I'm very happy to announce that it turned out much different and much better than the other…Granted the other was written years ago for a completely different fandom, but that's not the point!

It ended up going in a different direction than I was planning but I like it anyway. The idea came from listening to Kelly Clarkson…This shocked me just as much as it shocked me that I was listening to Kelly Clarkson. I recommend her song Addicted; it actually fits this really well.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story.

WARNING: There is man on man action in a very dark way. I like constructive criticism but not stupid criticism.

* * *

If sin was tangible, it would be him. 

With his long silver angelic hair. His feminine features on top of a masculine body. His muscled arms and his chiseled chest. His pale skin and his big hands which look so soft yet are rough to the touch.

And his cold, mocking aqua eyes. Eyes which pull you in and spit you out, stripping you of everything that is you, making you lost and confused and so so cold…

If evil was tangible, it would be him.

* * *

"_You shouldn't do that!"_

"_Oh yea, why not?"_

"…_Um…Well…If you do…Well…"_

"_Great reason."_

"_Wait!"_

"_Hey…HEY! Stupid! Cut that out!"_

_

* * *

_

I will admit that I'm not the most masculine of men. I'm thin and lanky, my hair never behaves and I'm barely taller than half the girls in my school.

But I am still a guy.

And he's the school playboy. Girls swarm around him, drag him into vacant rooms at parties, rub their bodies against him. Some of the more lucky girls stand to the side and talk of their sexcapades with him. Cherishing the moments they had with him.

He has never showed an interest in anyone of the same sex.

Anyone except for me.

He stares and I look back because how could I not look back when he's staring with those eyes which freeze me to the spot and choke the air out of me until I can't breathe and all I can see is him.

I tried to avoid him…To stay away…

Sin has a clever way of drawing you to it.

* * *

"…" 

"_STUPID! You almost got us killed!"_

"………_You saved me………"_

"_Yea, so what?"_

"…"

"…"

"_I'm Sora!"_

"…_Um……………Riku…"_

_

* * *

_

He isn't some random stranger.

Once upon a time he was my best friend. But then he changed (Or was it me?) and the friendship that lasted since childhood was gone…

I don't know this man.

He is not the boy I knew as a child…

So, perhaps, stranger would be the best way to describe him.

* * *

"_Man are you bleeding or what?"_

_Sniffle_

"_It hurts!"_

"_Stop being a baby."_

_A tearing of cloth. A piece of fabric wrapped around a bleeding knee._

_Sniffle  
_

"_Kiss it and make it better?"_

"…"

* * *

It felt as though I was being ripped apart. 

Maybe I was, maybe everything I was, everything I am, was being taken apart by him. Just with that one thrust, I was gone.

Why did I even allow him to get so far?

One moment everything is normal (as normal as it could be). He stared and I cringed and I froze and then…I followed.

Why?

_Why?_

_**Why!**_

We didn't even share a word…

As he filled me with his filth I felt as though I lost something.

He stole something from me, and he'd never give it back.

* * *

"_You throwing up again?"_

"_Ugh."_

"_Never heard of a kid who lives on an island that gets seasick."_

_Hair is pulled away from a wet and sticky forehead. A cold towel taking its place._

"…_Thank you…"_

"…"

* * *

I sit in the stall, my back against the door. My throat burns with acid. Tears evaporating into nothing above my head. 

Everything went back to normal the next day.

He was standing with the swarm of girls all around him. One began to drag him by the hand, leading him to some shady, dark corner. Somewhere they could be alone and touch each other with their soiled hands and she can moan and he can grin like the demon he is…

He looked up as she dragged him away, his green eyes catching mine and tearing me apart and he just smirked and winked and continued to walk away and I could've screamed only I couldn't because I couldn't breathe and my stomach churned and my throat burned and now…and now…

I smell of vomit and sweat. Dirty, filthy, rotten, soiled hands wrap around my throat and squeeze and the tears burn my eyes as they flow rivers of blood down my cheeks.

He's a disease which infects everyone he touches.

And he's touched me in so many ways I can feel the acid fill my mouth again.

* * *

"_Hey Riku! Did you hear the news? The mayor's niece just came to live with him."_

"_Yea, so what?"_

"_Well, I hear she's around our age AND she's not from around here."_

"………_And?"_

"_And! Why don't we go ask her to play with us?"_

"…………"

* * *

I thought that was it. 

He had his fun, succeeded in his little mission (whatever it was).

And yet…

A few days later, I find myself being dragged into one of the many dark corners of our dark dark empty school where no one seems to care when one of the students is being tainted by an infection which pushes itself deep deep (so deep) inside with hands which wrap around the throat until no breathe can escape and the tears fall down and a wet tongue just laps them up and…and…

I slide to the ground with a thump, watching as he calmly buttons up his pants and…

walks away…

* * *

"_OW! That really hurt!"_

"_Not my fault. Pay more attention next time."_

"_I do! You just always end up getting around me anytime I try and hit you, and then I end up bleeding somehow."_

_

* * *

_

It's funny. I always thought I knew myself. Always thought I never had anything to hide, I am who I am, never anything more to it.

Sure I protested at first, when I saw what was going on. All the time wondering why I let it go so far in the first place…

It was all in vain.

I'd kick and scream and punch whatever I could and he'd just laugh, a deep sinister sound which vibrated inside my body until my ears began to ring and my heart beat like a drum in my chest.

It dawned on me then, how truly wrong this whole situation was…

He reveled in those protests, loved to hear them. Did what he could to get them.

And when I stopped?

He just laughed even more.

* * *

"_Not like I don't help you out afterwards."_

"_Sometimes…well…sometimes I think you do it on purpose. Like you beat me up just so you can wrap me up again."_

"…"

* * *

"SORA!" 

Oh God, please. Not now.

"Sora! Slow down!"

Fuck.

"Hey…Um…Can I talk to you for a second?"

No. Please, go away.

"Sure."

"Sora…Is everything okay? You've been acting really weird lately."

Weird? You have no idea.

"I'm fine."

Go away. Just go away.

"Sora…"

"I said I'm fine!"

Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me at all. Take your curves, your soft hands, your creamy skin, your big violet eyes and go somewhere else… (_Girls swarm around him, drag him into vacant rooms at parties, rub their bodies against him_)

"Sora…SORA!"

"What?"

"See! That's what I'm talking about! One minute your there, the next your not. Sometimes more literal then others. Just tell me what's going on!"

"Look, I don't know what you've been imagining, but I'm fine."

"…Fine. Whatever. Just…If you ever need to talk about it…I'm here."

"It"? "It"'s right over there. Right over your shoulder. Standing in the shadows, watching with the same cold eyes as always. The problem you keep looking for.

Yes, I have a problem. I have an infection which has become a disease.

A masochistic need for a person who takes me in janitor closets, vacant rooms, bathroom stalls, against brick walls, anywhere he can find until my body is bruised from rough surfaces and rough hands and my brain is shattered and broken from the pain which wars with the pleasure and bruises around my neck from the hands which wrap around my throat until I can't breathe but they're invisible to the eyes but they're there…

they're there…

* * *

"_OW!"_

"_Oh shut up, it's not even that bad!"_

"……_But……"_

"_Ugh."_

_A wooden sword thrown to the ground. _

"_Don't you ever stop crying? It's getting so annoying."_

"_Hey! Where are you going?"_

"_Somewhere away from you."_

_Steps becoming further away._

_Tears filling clear blue eyes._

"……_Riku?"_

_A cut that's left bleeding._

_

* * *

_

"Why?"

It's the most practical question one could ask in such a situation.

To ask why a person, who didn't seem to want anything to do with you, would just suddenly walk back into your life and twist it and turn it and strangle it until you can't recognize it anymore.

He looked at me, startled by the sound of my voice. I'm not very surprised.

It's the first thing I've said to him since we were children.

But the shock didn't last very long.

Seductive. Sensual. Sinful.

His voice had the same affect on me as his laugh.

"You always did love to feign ignorance."

And the hands returned.

* * *

"_Hey Riku, feeling better?"_

"_Yep, much. Hope you weren't too bored without me."_

"_Nope, I went to the beach."_

"……_Oh……"_

"_Yep, I ran into some kids in my class. We had so much fun!"_

"……_What?..."_

"_You should meet them Riku, I'm sure you'd like them too!"_

"_...I don't need to meet them Sora…"_

"_But Riku-"_

"_I said **NO!**"_

_

* * *

_

I've been thinking a lot lately. About when we were younger, when everything seemed so much easier. Before he suddenly walked out of my life, announcing that he never wanted to see me again.

But…before that, we were inseparable. We'd go on little adventures on the beaches, through every cave, every tree. I was smaller but I always managed, he'd always help me………He was always there to catch me………He was _always_ there.

But…When Kairi came…I wanted to expand, make new friends. I started to get tired of having only one friend. Whenever he couldn't come out to play, I was always stuck alone in my room. Always alone in my classes since Riku was in a whole different grade all together.

I didn't think it was a problem.

Apparently he did.

And so…I began to wonder…

* * *

"_Hey Riku, wanna see what Kairi's up to today?"_

"_No."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Ugh, I don't see why you want to hang out with a stupid girl like her so much."_

"_Don't say that Riku! She's our friend!"_

"_**NO SHE'S NOT!"**_

_**

* * *

**_

As the encounters continue, so do the memories.

"How can they drool all over him like that?"

How indeed.

"Girls really like the pretty boys, ya?"

Apparently more than girls do.

"Hehe, I won't deny it. He's so beautiful."

If only you knew.

"Sora?"

Ugh, here we go again.

"What?"

"…Come here."

She pulls me away from the group, walking me over to a vacant bench…Vacant… (_takes me in janitor closets, vacant rooms, bathroom stalls, against brick walls, anywhere he can find)_

Sigh.

"It's Riku, isn't it?"

…………Well………That's unexpected.

"Riku?"

"You just, seem to get out of sorts when he's around."

She casts worried eyes upon me, asking for answers.

Have I been that obvious? Does she know? How could she? Maybe she saw us? No, Riku's too crafty for that…Unless he wanted her to catch us.

"Kairi…I haven't talked to Riku since we were kids."

Another sigh.

"I know…I just get so worried. Sometimes…sometimes I just feel like I don't know you anymore Sora."

Heh, join the club.

I remain silent…Until…

"Kairi, why would you think it was Riku?"

Soft hands fidget with a necklace which once lay gently between her breasts…Once upon a time I would've watched those hands, a blush quickly forming on my cheeks…Not anymore…

Still…she remains silent.

"Kairi! _Why did you bring up Riku!"_

She looks as surprised as I feel. I've never snapped at Kairi like that.

Never.

"It's just…You know how Riku was when we were younger."

Now we're getting somewhere.

"Remind me."

"He…he was always so…so possessive over you, you know?"

"_Don't say that Riku! She's our friend!"_

"_**NO SHE'S NOT!"**_

"I mean, he barely let anyone else near you. Remember that week when he had the flu?"

"Yea, it was when I got to know all you guys."

"_You should meet them Riku, I'm sure you'd like them too!"_

"_...I don't need to meet them Sora…"_

"_But Riku-"_

"_I said **NO!**"_

"You guys were never at the beach anymore after that. I mean, we'd usually see you guys from far away, Riku always keeping a safe distance, but after that you guys never showed up."

That's right…It wasn't until school started again that I saw them again. That was the year I lost my best friend…

"But……But you know we're not friends anymore. Why would you still worry?"

"Well, sometimes…sometimes I get this horrible feeling from him. Like he…I don't know. Nevermind. It's probably all in my head."

We sit together in silence. My head turning her words over in my head, over and over and over…

I look up at him. She's right, of course. I've never noticed the extent to which Riku was attached to me. I always thought of him as a guardian, keeping the bad people away from me (or is that what he told me?).

The girl's pretty, she giggles as he leans over and whispers something (provocative, seductive, disgusting) in her ear. She must be special since she's one of the lucky ones; it seems he went to her. I wonder why…She doesn't seem like anything special.

I'd seen her around before. She's short, her skin more tan than creamy, with brown hair, and big……big blue eyes……

In my shock, I don't notice Riku glance towards me…

and smiles…

he…he…

Oh God…

Choking…I'm choking. The hands are around my neck squeezing…

and the acid fills my mouth.

* * *

"_THAT'S IT! I'm tired of this!"_

"_Riku! Come back!"_

"_NO! You **obviously** don't need me anymore, with all your new friends and all."_

"_It doesn't mean I don't need you anymore! We can all be friends!"_

_Tightening of fist._

_Fist connecting with cheek._

"_You can take all your new friends and shove it Sora! Just keep away from me!"_

_

* * *

_

I didn't go to school for the next few days.

I couldn't.

School meant more encounters. Where he can defile my body, corrupt my soul, and laugh as my heart continued to decay.

But it didn't matter.

I should've known, if Riku wants something, he gets it.

* * *

_The older doesn't come back the next day._

_School comes and goes._

_The younger tries to talk to him._

_The older ignores._

_Friendship. _

_Over._

_

* * *

_

I jerk awake.

Damn, it's cold. The window…is…open?

No.

_No._

_**NO!**_

I close my eyes, tightly.

Your sleeping Sora, just wake up.

_**WAKE UP!**_

But nothing happens. You can't wake up if you're already awake.

And you can't breathe when your suffocating from the hands around your neck and tears (tears? I didn't know I had anymore) fall down your cheeks and you feel so vulnerable and unsafe even in your own house.

(When we were younger I felt safe. He'd climb to my room and we'd burrow underneath my covers and giggle to each other little secrets that only children know. I always felt safe with him.)

He moves closer, I don't move. Resistance has proven to be useless.

Rough (soft?) hands cup my face, thumbs gently wiping away my tears.

He lies with me then, gathering me into a tight embrace.

He watches me with those eyes that once terrified yet excited me at the same time. But now…They comfort me.

It's wrong. So so so so so wrong.

Either way, when his lips tenderly touch mine, my eyes flutter closed.

God it's wrong. But his kisses aren't forceful and biting and the bed isn't rough and scratchy and it's not just him and me but it's _him_ and_ me_ and it's so so sweet and it's not skin to sweaty uncomfortable clothing but _skin_ to _skin_ and…and…

the hands aren't wrapped around my throat...

I can breathe…

* * *

_Sometimes I think you do it on purpose. Like you beat me up just so you can wrap me up again._

_

* * *

_

Nothing ever changes.

Nothing ever will.

He's standing with the swarm of girls all around him. One begins to drag him by the hand, leading him to some shady, dark corner. Somewhere they can be alone and touch each other with their soiled hands and she can moan and he can grin like the demon he is…

He looks up as she drags him away, his green eyes catching mine and he just smirks and winks and continues to walk away…

And I…

I laugh.

* * *

_"Man Riku, do you have to win at **everything?"**_

_"Yep"_****


End file.
